Dark Days

It has been a while since I've posted anything but be assured that it is not due to a lack of excitement around here.  (The word excitement is synonymous with the simple act of waking up and surviving a day here in our household.) God has been doing an amazing work in me.  It's not glamorous or popular... in fact, it maybe considered taboo or even unspiritual.  However, I believe that if we truly are living our lives for God and His glory, how will people know what God is doing if we aren't willing to share it?  (I am fairly certain that this is mentioned in a previous post, but anyway...)

I have battled depression for more than half of my life. I've had very good times but there have been some very dark periods of my life.  These last few weeks have been very dark. I have been diagnosed with yet another complicated food allergy, my little one is teething, and my older one has become incredibly restless at night. Needless to say, sleep deprivation has added to the "darkness." It hasn't been until recently that I realized that this part of my life was not only a closely held secret but it has been a part that I have NEVER surrendered to God.  In fact, once when asked by a dear friend if this was something that I had prayed about I became indignant and offended.  I had surrendered to the idea that my brain makes or doesn't make some type of horomone or chemical.  I had surrendered to the idea that this over or under production requires medication and careful monitoring by a professional.  I have certainly surrendered and boldly advocate that, like any other medical condition, the use of medication should not be viewed as weakness or as a lack of faith. 

BUT.... Shouldn't this be something that I am willing to, at the very least, consult God on?  Why wouldn't I ask for God's healing hand in this area of my life?  I have prayed for healing for people struggling with cancer, addiction, broken relationships... why wouldn't it cross my mind that this is something my God can handle?  Earlier this evening, during a sermon, it was stated that all things occur because God allows them to occur.*  My brain immediately jumped at the question: why!?!?  Why would God - who promises in His Word to desire the best for me,  allow for such pain?  Almost immediately... God spoke to my heart and answered. 

1- God desires that I be confident in Him*... that I KNOW (as in attaining deep knowledge through experience) that He will bring me through everything that comes my way.  I believe that God is buliding my confidence through testing.  I also believe that if I weren't right in the middle of God's will, things would probably be easier.  In tonight's sermon, I was reminded that in taking up my banner for Jesus Christ, I am painting a HUGE target on my back for Satan to attack. 

2 - Depression is Satan's stronghold in my life.  He exploits this stronghold in an effort to make me ineffective, disobedient, withdrawn, and flat-out-angry at God.  This is not easy for me to admit.  I am a controlled person... 90% of the time.  I am logical, analytical, and down-right stubborn.  For me to admit that Satan has any influence on my life makes me sick. 

3 - God allowed for His precious, perfect, all-human, all-God, Son, Jesus Christ to endure pain.  When Jesus asked if there was any other way, God told Him "No."  Jesus was still obedient.*

4 - Now what?!?!?  Now that I know this, how am I to proceed in my daily life?  While I don't have all the answers, this is what I KNOW.  God is in control.  He is my strength when I am weak. He is more than able to fix me.  He will recieve the glory from all situations... good or bad*.  He is ALWAYS good.  God will reign forever and Satan will be defeated.  In the meantime, as His battle rages, my prayer is that I will be obedient*.  It's that simple.  Sometimes God gives us a glimpse of His grand vision but sometimes He gives us an opportunity to be still and let God be God. 

This will be topic that I will return to from time to time.  Everyone has struggles that we must face daily... but if God was willing to send His Son, Jesus Christ to suffer a terrible, painful death and be raised from the dead so that He could make a way for us to have a relationship and spend eternity with Him, I have to believe that He can take care this.  2 Chronicles 20:15, says that the "...battle belongs to the Lord." (I really suggest reading the entire chapter.  It's very encouraging.)

For the record, that I am NOT a medical professional and that I have expertise other than my own experience regarding depression, any other mental illness, or medical condition.  I STRONGLY encourage ANYONE struggling with depression to seek assistance... immediately. 

*Job 1
*Jeremiah 1
*Luke 22: 39-47
*Romans 8:28
*John14: 30-31
*2 Chronicles 20

You Lie?!?!

Have you ever looked at someone and could sense their brokeness?  It could be a total stranger you pass by in the grocery store or a dear friend who is trying to hold back from sharing a personal struggle.  Why do we try to hide what is going on in our circumstances, minds, and hearts?  Do we not realize we are lying to the people who care most about us?  We are telling them that we don't trust them.  We a refusing to potentially learn from their experiences and gained wisdom.  In withdrawing from people and drawing into ourselves, we are telling God that the people He has placed in our lives are not good enough.  Can you imagine standing in a room, face to face, with God and screaming at Him, at the top of your lungs, "You are not sufficient! I know better than You!  You are a liar!"? Seriously?!  I'd rather not test the limits of God's grace and mercy!  I can only imagine the jolt that would go through my body as He zapped me down to size.  I know it sounds dramatic but we do this EVERY time we dive into our insecurities and roll around in it!  Whatever is going on in our lives, God is STILL in control and He is more than enough!  We have GOT to stop letting Satan have so much power in our lives.  He will exploit our weaknesses if we are unwilling to be made strong through the Power of Jesus Christ.  God wants to fill all the places that are empty... and He is big enough to keep handle the job. 

Lonely?!?!?

While getting my hair highlighted today, my stylist asked me if I ever find myself feeling "lonely," especially during long deployments.  At the time, my response was very flippant.  "I don't have time to be lonely!" was my response.  Now that I am sitting on the couch... alone, both my boys in bed.  ...my husband, literally, on the other side of the planet.  ...my heart shouts a resounding "YES!"  BUT.... before I get to deep into a pity-pit there are a couple of things that also come to mind. 

I do not think that the feeling of loneliness is felt only by military wives.  I am willing to bet, all wives go through periods of loneliness.  There are, no doubt, women whose husbands come home every night, sit across from them at the dinner table and yet they feel as if there are a million miles separating them.  Conversly, there can be a million miles between husbands and wives and yet they are closer than ever.  It's a matter of perspective, work, and priority.  If I am feeling lonely, why would that be?  What has changed?  We've already established that physical proximity has little to do with it!  The truth is simple... we all face times of feeling alone and if we don't stay vigilent in rooting it out, it becomes a path for Satan to worm his way into our lives with his old trick of deceit.  

Feeling lonely is just that, a feeling and any woman will tell you that feelings are NOT always the best compass for interpreting reality.  Don't get me wrong, sometimes a feeling can be right-on.  If you've ever gotten that sinking feeling deep in your gut that tells you something is wrong, you know that is something very different.  I am not referring to the fight-or-flight instinct that keeps us from walking down a dark alley at 2am.  I am, however, talking about that place we've all been where we are so overcome by emotion that you are moved to do something completely irrational.  You know what I am talking about.  It's the "I'm so heart-broken, I'm gonna get a pixie cut and dye my hair neon blue!" - place.  Emotions and feelings are fleeting.  They come and go.  They change.  We change... by God's amazing grace, we are all changed. 

Loneliness is steeped in insecurity and doubt.  God wants SO much more for us.  He has SO much more to offer us.  I have to lay my feelings of loneliness at Jesus' feet.  I have to give it over to Him and let Him fill the holes that are empty.  His grace is sufficient and He will never leave me.  God keeps His promises 100% of the time. 

Genesis 28:15, 2 Corinthians 12:9, Jeremiah 29:11

Psalm 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.

These words have been set to music. They have been read for millenia in churchs around the world. I, myself, have read them countless times in the past but lately this God-breathed scripture has spoken to me in way like never before. While it has become my constant prayer, God has revealed 4 important facets of my faith in Jesus Christ.

First, the writer acknowledges God as the supreme judge. Since God created everything & everyone, it makes perfect, logical sense for Him to be in charge. He is the the ultimate ruler of our lives... not as a list checker like a holy Santa Claus, and not as a score-keeper tracking our deeds, but rather as The God who can not be in the presence of sin & has provided a way through the life, death & resurrection of His Son, Jesus Christ. It's not popular - in fact, it's downright offensive. But the fact of the matter is that it is as HE SAYS. God is not limited to political correctness or politeness. He made everything, including the rules.

Second, recognition of God's deep desire to know us intimately. God wants to know our hearts - our deepest pains & hurts as well as our greatest joy. He already knows everything but His desire is we tell Him. We need to run to His mercy-seat during our times of struggle. We need Him to celebrate victories in our lives with us (especially, seeing that all good things come from Him.) God wants us to know all of us... the good, the bad, the ugly, the darkest, dirtiest, most shameful, most embarrassing, and humbling parts of us. Did I mention ALL of us?!?!

Third, requires action on my part. The words "Test Me" are not put here by accident. This is God-breathed scripture right? Nothing God does is ever an accident. Testing requires work. In order to test anything one must determine the parameters or scale of the test. One knowledge of math is not tested by spelling?!?!? It 2 totally separate tests! Got it now? The parameters are set by God, (see point #1.) When testing occurs... it occurs only for a time and then we must face the outcome. We have to choose either to be obedient or not! It's our choice. God prefers that we be obedient. He wants to bless us and keep us on His path. When we disobey, we are not only being disobedient but we are telling God that He is WRONG and we are smarter than Him. (Doesn't this sound like the same lie Satan told Eve in the garden?) If we choose obedience we are blessed and spared unknown pain. If we choose to disobey, we must also realize that we have chosen our consequences.

Finally, the path that God desires for us to follow, leads to everlasting life. He not only wants us to know Him in our daily lives (even in the to-do lists and chores,) He also desires to spend all of eternity with Him. God made a way for this through His Son Jesus Christ. God cannot be in the presence of sin. Knowing that God made the rules from the very beginning, it stands to reason that His way to eternal life is best. In fact, His Words says the ONLY way. Jesus lived a perfect life so that He could be the final sacrifice for our sin. His victory over death and resurrection to life is through the same power made available to us as believers. How 'bout that HOPE?